Shattered

Discernment: (in spiritual context) perception in the absence of judgment with a view to obtaining spiritual direction and understanding:  without providing for a time of healing and discernment, there will be no hope of living through this present moment without a shattering of our common life.

It seems I’m given many opportunities to discover this. 

I do my best to look for the lesson, look for the love of God, and, for my role in this life.  I’ve been given more opportunities than most to rebuild, rediscover, to come back to life (figuratively and literally). 

I have not come back to life this time. One of my mottoes over the years has been, “the only pain in change is the resistance to it”. That certainly has held true through this recovery, non-acceptance is resistance.

This week I was coming home from a trip to Pawley’s Island.  I’m at the airport, my friend who came with me was continuing to DC.  She asked if I needed help to baggage claim, and of course, I said no. 

I get on the Plane Train at C-Gates and discover I’m headed to International Baggage Claim.  I get off two stops from where I got on, E-Gates.  I go find the other train on the opposite side.  I get on the train and the sign says E-Gate was the next stop, even though I got on at E-Gate.  I figure I’m back on the same train. I consider getting off and finding the train I need.  As I’m standing there, the “E” indicator is still lit.  After a minute of “Am I losing my freaking mind”, coupled with anxiety, I realize I’m on the right train, but the sign is not working.  Happy I didn’t get on another train, I figured one way, or another this train will eventually get me to baggage claim. 

I can handle the physical disabilities the stroke has caused, it’s the brain injury that puts a knife in my heart. 

I used to say, I can’t fix the mind that I have with the mind that I have. So, I either must prove myself wrong or recognize the shattering is what is needed to let go of my expectation of getting back to pre-stroke me and continue with my post-stroke spiritual growth.