Knowing
This summer has been busy. I’ve traveled a good amount of the time, but I also have been dealing with the loss of three very important women in my life.
It occurred to me today after talking to Ashley and a friend yesterday, it takes a good deal of energy to get through any given day when you’ve had a stroke. The things I need to take in to account first and foremost, is being safe.
With the hemianopsia alone there’s a mine field that can be dangerous; crossing a street, walking up or down stairs, handlings knives in the kitchen, walking into walls, tripping over small retaining walls, hitting my head (which I do a lot), the list is fairly robust.
The brain stuff is hard too. Semantic aphasia leaves me lost when I’m talking to someone I’m not familiar with, trying to explain something I would normally understand, but just can’t get it now. Also, as much as I read, I still have a hard time with word recognition and certain letters.
All of this is to say that the added component of grief is giving me the feeling, which I’ve mentioned before, of having my feet nailed to the floor. I can’t get anything to motivate me to do anything. I’m sleeping an awful lot.
This is what would happen when I first traveled after the stroke, I couldn’t get packed, or excited because it was too much to handle after the stroke.
Time is the only solution. And time takes time.
Luckily, sometimes just understanding what’s going on is helpful.
Living with chronic health conditions is often exhausting, demoralizing, and frustrating—and that’s all in addition to the actual physical and cognitive symptoms. Though I haven’t experienced a stroke and the many lasting effects that go along with it, I have so much empathy for the emotional struggle and isolation that can occur with chronic conditions. The grief for the life I had envisioned for myself is huge, and sometimes I just want to lie down in a forest somewhere and give up. Reading about your experiences helps me feel less alone and gives me a bit more energy to persevere. Thank you for sharing!
Yes! The grief for the life envisioned! Exactly. I’m glad this blog is helpful, and it helpful for me when others share their experience. Thank you!
Bereavement is exhausting and you didn’t have a lot of reserve energy to access. I’m so sorry for all those significant losses and the absence of three important women. A lot to process and cull the blessings and gifts they left with you.
Thanks ML.
Wow. You’ve had so much that you’ve had to fight throughout your life. It is amazing that you get around as well as you do, without much complaining. I don’t always remember the various issues you mention here, in this post, related to the stroke, the things that we can’t see. Just reading this makes me very aware of how much you fight to just have a semi normal life. I am so sorry if I am not always on the same page with you, I will strive to do better.
Thanks sis – we all are doing the best we can in life. I’m just glad you’re my sister. 🙂
Handling life with difficulties with added grief has been extremely challenging. Helping others close to me through the last few months, I haven’t been able to sit in my own grief and process. I’ve been going as hard as those days when we sat in the hospital together. It seems it is now my time. Having a hard time remembering important things, not handling small set backs well and my tendencies to go into shame spirals have increased.
I’m thankful for you sharing your experience working through this time and how you still need to be safe in your day to day experiences/tasks.
Thanks for reading my blog Holly. I’m glad Gail had your help – I know she adored you.
Take the time you need…I know you have your hands full, but Gabe will understand. Love.