Negotiations

I’m just going to say it.   I have a wonderful life.  I love my wife, she’s awesome!  I love my family and I love my many dear friends.  I am truly blessed.

But as I sit here on Nantucket, looking out at the sea…I’m tired.  I feel like the stroke recovery thing is too much to bear.  Getting on with my life is one thing, I’ve done it more times than I can count, and I’m a stronger woman because of it, but I’m tired.  Post-stroke is different, It’s not getting on with my life, it’s getting on with a new brain, getting on with half the sight, getting on without the same tools and independence.

I keep feeling like I’m in a time warp and this really isn’t my life.  Remember when you were a kid and you had a crush or really loved someone and you couldn’t wait for them to call you – that phone, (which was still on the wall in the kitchen and it was rotary dial), would just sit there and we would stay in the house, or within shouting distance so you could take that call.  That’s what it feels like.  An anchor.   That call isn’t coming, my old life is gone. 

Today it came to me, as it has many times before, I don’t have to do this if I don’t want to.  I don’t have to accept this.  I can decide I’ve had enough and end it now.  Even with my wonderful life, I feel this way at times.  I’m 62, I’ve had a good life.  It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for me to go to the next place. 

Negotiating has never been my strong suit but, I do negotiate this dilemma more and more often.  In my heart I know I would never take my own life, but this is what goes on in my head.  My life is different, I’m different.  I don’t like it.

As I said, I don’t have to do this.  I choose to because of everything I mentioned in the first paragraph.  Even though some days I just want to die, I get up and go to PT and OT, or I just have coffee and, if I remember, hold God’s hand and know, it will one day be okay.