Change

I leave for a family vacation today.  I’m not packed.  I’m not excited.  It was my idea and yet I feel like my feet are nailed to the ground.  This is new – not wanting to have to change my environment.  I know where all the steps are in my house, where all the little things are in the kitchen.  Having to relearn, or at least figure out these things in a new house is anxiety provoking. I need to pack.  I feel guilty I’m stuck in my head and my body feels immobile. 

All week I’ve been worried about being around my siblings and extended family.  Even though I know my aphasia is much better, I worry about making messes, misspeaking, not being able to just say – “give me a me minutes while I think about what you just said so I can accurately respond.”.  I really wish I would get over myself and take a step, move a muscle, to change a thought.  Who knew this would be so complicated, two and a half years in? 

I spoke with my wife about this a couple of days ago.  She said I cover well, that if they didn’t know me, they wouldn’t know I had a stroke.  But they know me, and I really don’t know they think about it too much.  Which I think would be normal because they don’t see me very often.  I love my family, but they’re a tough crowd.  And as I write this I’m realizing; it will be okay.  I just need to stay out of my head long enough to pack and remember, I’m pretty tough too.