Plans

The malady between me and my higher power happened when I was deathly ill. 

I was ready to die and was at peace with it.  I ended up having a procedure that wiped out my bone marrow and rebuilt it over several days.  It was to reboot my immune system; I was grateful it worked.

A few weeks later, while still in the hospital, I ended up with severe sepsis shock. 

What an ordeal!  It was a miracle I didn’t die.  Having to live through it was maddening.  I was so angry that I was saved from an illness I was at peace with, only to fight another.  Severe sepsis shock is no joke; it is a painful and arduous recovery. 

After I got out of ICU, my sister noticed the nurses coming in and out of my room were not looking at me.  She asked why, and the nurse said no one could believe I lived through it. 

I felt so abandoned by God; I didn’t understand the purpose or reasoning behind this.  I was so upset I didn’t die; that’s all I wanted; I was so tired of fighting.

I am spiritual and have had a terrible time with my relationship with God for the last fifteen years.  I won’t go into the specifics but let’s say I’ve been to inpatient co-dependency treatment, have written about it, have talked till there was nothing left to say, have read over 50 books regarding the subject (I highly recommend “The Wounded Healer” by Henri Nouwen.  In short, I tried everything.

I even let go for many years and accepted the emptiness, the lack of guidance, the unconditional love I was experiencing with all people, the ability to pray for someone even though they hurt me, to feel love exuding from my pores, and happiness as I’ve never known.

Recently I underwent Ama Deus Sacred Healing.   It took a few weeks to see the difference within myself.  There is peace where there has been very little. I feel more balanced, and my heart, which has been so heavy, is much lighter. 

The relationship I once had with God has changed, but now I understand, He has a plan for me, whether I’m angry at him or not.