Searching
Lately, I’m searching for something. Granted, I’ve spent lots of time in therapy over the years, in 12 step groups, had acupuncture, massage, prayer, meditation – before having a stroke. Recently, I went to a medium, inquired about past-life regression, sent off for DNA analysis, and saw yet another therapist. I’m searching.
I think it may be normal to seek answers – it would just be helpful if I knew the question. Really, I think I just want my life back, I don’t want to figure out this new life with this new brain, it’s too much work. I want to get in my car alone, put on some good music, sing till my heart’s content, and just relax as I use to.
Before the stroke, I worked a job I enjoyed, in an industry that was great to work in. I was helpful to my family, always willing to lend a hand to my friends. I sort of knew my purpose. Now, I’m seeking clarity, solace, peace, direction/guidance. It’s been two and a half years now. I thought I’d be further along in my processing this new life. I wonder, how much longer? Will I ever get there? Where? It’s hard to remember I won’t return to my old life; the stroke has created a new life/reality. Yet, I measure my progress with this goal that is unattainable, getting my old life back.
Acceptance is an ongoing process. While I have a level of acceptance; until I find my answers, totally embracing this new life is half-hearted.
I can’t pretend I know what you are going through and living everyday, but I can relate to the searching. Seems I have been searching all my life, which I think of as positive and a way of growing, but I still in many ways, am not clear on what exactly I am searching for – that’s really the question right? But I’m not sure it is necessary to answer it. As long as I am searching I am desperately trying to stay “open” even in the most difficult and challenging situations.
I love you my dear friend.